“Pursue what is meaningful, not what is expedient.” – Dr. Jordan Peterson
2017 ended in a flash. After breathing an audible sigh of relief, I had a chance to reflect on the year, my move to Pittsburgh, and finishing my Master’s degree. It’s
already the 3rd day of 2018 and, unlike how I usually start my year, I haven’t thought about goals or updating my reading list or doing well…anything. In fact, I’ve thought about very little beyond my immediate week.
It’s a novel feeling.
If I am guilty of one thing in my life, it’s being Type A. Too Type A. I can identify very few moments in the past 15 years in which I’ve had more than a handful of months to settle into a routine. I am a connoisseur of 3-month projects. Give me a task, a deadline, and wind me up. I attack obligations and projects with a tenacity bordering on fervor.
Inevitably, I wind up in the same space again. Sitting. Waiting. The nonconstructive restlessness biding it’s time in the back of my head.
In 2017, while still in the throes of my Master’s, I found a piece of art on Reddit from u/milksperfect entitled, “Life Up Until Graduation”. Check it out:
It’s a stunning piece of artwork. This image perfectly describes the terrifying post-graduation experience. I completed my Master’s degree over an intense 2 years. However, even the condensed study length was not enough to keep me from Type A-ing my way to the top. I maintained 2 part-time jobs, a full-time course load, volunteered with an international non-profit, provided services at a 20+ hour a week internship, participated in 2 Fellowships, and barely escaped with a relationship intact. When I lay it all out, it’s a ridiculous amount of commitments and stress.
The real secret here? I relished in the chaos. I left with a 4.0, multiple awards and scholarships, and secured great relationships with my professors, but gained about 10 pounds, left my partner and supports overburdened, and landed in a state of burn out that mimicked adrenal fatigue. In July when I had finished my final summer course, I flew to Pittsburgh and landed in the ER with a peritonsilar abscess. Congratulations graduate!
Reflecting on 2017, I have been asking myself one thing in particular. This question is extremely difficult for me to answer because the answer leads to broader implications about what I believe and who I think I am. Still, I’ve finally had the opportunity to ask: what’s the big rush? Where does my desire to do meaningful work end and a fear of stillness and contemplation begin? Do I stand, as in the artwork, at a precipice staring into the unknown and, God forbid, boredom? And, most importantly, why is rest and renewal beyond a 10-day vacation such a bad thing? Why am I constantly climbing the M.C. Escher stairs instead of looking ahead on the other side?
I know I want to accomplish many things over the course of my lifetime. I still know I want to develop and improve my career in social work and medicine, travel, and help people in broad terms. I feel devout in my desire to do those things. But no one, and I mean absolutely no one, has done that overnight. I read books by people like AlbertSchweitzer, Adam Braun, and Sheryl Sandberg. None of these people built their careers or start-ups or hospitals in a day. It takes years of persistence. What’s drives me to try and accomplish so much in so little time?
I want it all. And I want it now.
2017 has reminded me that I have a deep reserve of personal energy. 2018 must build on my capacity for stillness. Rest and renewal are seasons in every year and dedication to a cause over time will build investment and outcomes. The trouble is, I have no idea what that means. I hike, I climb, I achieve. That is what I do. In this new year, I am ready to see what comes with hard work, resilience, and time.
I know what I want eventually. In the mean time, I want to gaze somewhere into that empty space and begin a slow walk forward. Like the initial quote says, it’s time to pursue what I find meaning in, not what is expedient.
For a flower-smelling champion, that will be an awfully difficult lesson.*
*Flower-smelling champion meme included for people who don’t read internet comics:
Bowspirits 